There’s a lot of wisdom in here that extends far beyond just divorce.
One of the biggest pieces is the ongoing support. We’re already bad at being supportive in the heat of the moment. We’re even worse at being there for people as time goes on.
That’s exceptionally tragic because that’s often when people need it most. As the endorphins wear off and everyone else gets back to their normal life, those struggling are left alone.
Even worse, we often shame people for not being “over it” yet.
Excellent piece, here. When speaking to people about funerals/death, I often point out that the hard part for the family is not the first six days. Those days are filled with activity and arrangements, and while there is mourning, the families and friends are surrounded by mourners and well-wishers.
The hard part for the families is six weeks, or even six months later, when everyone else has gone back to their “normal lives” and the family still has that same gaping hole, but now with no one supporting them or mourning with them.
You point out the same is true with divorces here. Convicting for those of us in ministry, and essential for the church to understand in a society where the fragmentation of marriage grows ever more common. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I never felt more alone as a Christian, my husband was a pastor, as when we got divorced. I didn't realize that so many Christians practice a kind of idolatry of marriage as an institution, so if yours fails, no matter the reason, you begin to feel like an untouchable. It was a hard time, but because I leaned into faith, I can out stronger. It took time and was hard and is still hard. Since Christians are just as divorced as non-Christians, I see this as a vital topic. Thank you for addressing it.
Not just being a Christian, but a pastor on top of that. I’ve lived that nightmare. My genuine prayer is that divorcees will find a voice here where most churches are silent. During my divorce, the silence was deafening.
This is beautifully written and correct and your last paragraph at the end is critical that the church shepherds need to get and no questions asked that this is their job to have a spiritual based Bible of our KingJesus life coach approach and approach of his fathers word with a recovery program starting first with as you stated just your presence and emotional support. Sermons yesterday would be a norm for teaching about the Bible yet regardless of the time a sermon service should be devoted specifically for such a matter of example divorce and how to provide the tools that the father has in his word and delivered with a punch in the gut no compromise. Before that can take place the second input in the teaching is to put the brakes on and stand back and never make things personal yet draw a line in the sand and put one column statement marriage according to the world that is the weed that crept in and gave a new doctrine of devils as a (contract view). Then the next column named Gods (Covenant view concrete foundation without flaws). With included remedies. I like your topic discussions about this matter blessings
Closely related: mental health. My husband's cousin has schizophrenia. It's terribly when your mind betrays you every day. When he was living with us, it was particularly hard season and I often wished we could get on the meals list -- the list for widows and people who'd been in accidents. For some reason, I didn't feel right asking, but I also knew that no one from our church knew just how hard we were struggling.
We tend to respond to crisis over daily challenges. Specifically with schizophrenia, I don’t think a lot of people understand how challenging it is day after day. It’s a grind that wears you down.
Churches need to be more intentional about compassion style ministry for mental health. You should never have to feel bad asking for help.
There’s a great documentary on schizophrenia that would help churches understand how hard it is and how simple, practical support would be make a huge difference.
This is timely, as a pastor turned hospice chaplain, when relationship issues would pop up and what would seem like ‘all of a sudden’ divorces would be initiated, many of the ones who are supposed to step in, stood back. Your reference to ‘bystander effect’ is spot on.
There’s a lot of wisdom in here that extends far beyond just divorce.
One of the biggest pieces is the ongoing support. We’re already bad at being supportive in the heat of the moment. We’re even worse at being there for people as time goes on.
That’s exceptionally tragic because that’s often when people need it most. As the endorphins wear off and everyone else gets back to their normal life, those struggling are left alone.
Even worse, we often shame people for not being “over it” yet.
Excellent piece, here. When speaking to people about funerals/death, I often point out that the hard part for the family is not the first six days. Those days are filled with activity and arrangements, and while there is mourning, the families and friends are surrounded by mourners and well-wishers.
The hard part for the families is six weeks, or even six months later, when everyone else has gone back to their “normal lives” and the family still has that same gaping hole, but now with no one supporting them or mourning with them.
You point out the same is true with divorces here. Convicting for those of us in ministry, and essential for the church to understand in a society where the fragmentation of marriage grows ever more common. Thank you.
People really do struggle when the reality of divorce sets. What does life look like now?
Thank you for writing this. I never felt more alone as a Christian, my husband was a pastor, as when we got divorced. I didn't realize that so many Christians practice a kind of idolatry of marriage as an institution, so if yours fails, no matter the reason, you begin to feel like an untouchable. It was a hard time, but because I leaned into faith, I can out stronger. It took time and was hard and is still hard. Since Christians are just as divorced as non-Christians, I see this as a vital topic. Thank you for addressing it.
Not just being a Christian, but a pastor on top of that. I’ve lived that nightmare. My genuine prayer is that divorcees will find a voice here where most churches are silent. During my divorce, the silence was deafening.
Excited to read more from you ♥️
I have about six articles on divorce so far and hoping to have another out by Wednesday - hopefully 😆
Happy Writing🥂
This is beautifully written and correct and your last paragraph at the end is critical that the church shepherds need to get and no questions asked that this is their job to have a spiritual based Bible of our KingJesus life coach approach and approach of his fathers word with a recovery program starting first with as you stated just your presence and emotional support. Sermons yesterday would be a norm for teaching about the Bible yet regardless of the time a sermon service should be devoted specifically for such a matter of example divorce and how to provide the tools that the father has in his word and delivered with a punch in the gut no compromise. Before that can take place the second input in the teaching is to put the brakes on and stand back and never make things personal yet draw a line in the sand and put one column statement marriage according to the world that is the weed that crept in and gave a new doctrine of devils as a (contract view). Then the next column named Gods (Covenant view concrete foundation without flaws). With included remedies. I like your topic discussions about this matter blessings
Great feedback, thanks for reading!
Closely related: mental health. My husband's cousin has schizophrenia. It's terribly when your mind betrays you every day. When he was living with us, it was particularly hard season and I often wished we could get on the meals list -- the list for widows and people who'd been in accidents. For some reason, I didn't feel right asking, but I also knew that no one from our church knew just how hard we were struggling.
“Six Schizophrenic Brothers”
We tend to respond to crisis over daily challenges. Specifically with schizophrenia, I don’t think a lot of people understand how challenging it is day after day. It’s a grind that wears you down.
Churches need to be more intentional about compassion style ministry for mental health. You should never have to feel bad asking for help.
There’s a great documentary on schizophrenia that would help churches understand how hard it is and how simple, practical support would be make a huge difference.
Where could I find that documentary?
I believe it was on Discovery Plus
Thank you. Found it on YouTube. Several episodes. Looks like a stunning story.
This is timely, as a pastor turned hospice chaplain, when relationship issues would pop up and what would seem like ‘all of a sudden’ divorces would be initiated, many of the ones who are supposed to step in, stood back. Your reference to ‘bystander effect’ is spot on.
Great post.
Hospice chaplain - what a special calling. Thanks for what you do & thanks for reading!